Where do you belong?

Yesterday our journal topic in Advanced Comp. was “where do you belong?”
A very simple question with not so simple answers. Several of the kids had a hard time getting started, and many were afraid to share their words with the class after squeezing a few lines onto their paper.
Why is it so difficult to put a finger on where we belong?
I was inspired by some of their answers. One said, “I know where I feel right and accepted…but don’t know if that is where I should belong.”
Another student’s piece inspired the question,”Is where you belong where you already are, or where you want to be?”
I tried writing with them and my mind went blank. All I could hear in my head were the lyrics to “Creep” by Radiohead:
“But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doin’ here?
I don’t belong here.
After an unsettling department meeting before class, the last lines repeated over and over.
I don’t belong here.
*** 

I know I belong here in my little town.
I know I belong here with my little family.
I just don’t know if I belong HERE.
In this place I inhabit every week day for about 8 hours.
The question haunts me on a daily basis.
It doesn’t make it any easier when this girl screams and reaches for the babysitter when I pick her up in the afternoons.
 Can you imagine seeing this face CRY when you reach to pick her up?
I know people say that it’s normal and I shouldn’t get upset. But it hurts…bad. I know it would probably hurt worse if she cried every time we dropped her off, knowing she hated going to the baby sitter. I know we are blessed beyond measure to have such a nurturing, loving, beautiful environment for her to be in for those 8 hours a day, five days a week. But it still hurts…bad.
So the same question still haunts me. You know the drill. I’ve written about it countless times.
Until it’s fixed, it is all I know how to do.

This morning I tried again. 

Where do I belong?

I belong

busy
in the sun
in the breeze
wrapped in a song
one hand in hers
one hand in yours
free
feet feeling grass
people
helping
loving
singing
dancing
happy
I belong
on cobblestone streets
one hand in hers
one hand in yours
out of my comfort zone
in a farmhouse
in a small town
in love
with family
laughing
helping
I belong
busy
in the sun
in the breeze
wrapped in a song
one hand in hers
one hand in yours
free
I think it’s important to answer this question, as hard as it may be. I know my response will continue to evolve as life changes. I guess all we can hope for is that where we belong is where we end up. 

Or is where we end up, where we really belong?

 

Dear Henry…

How can you resist that face?

It may sound obvious, but inspiration is infectious.

Get inspired one time, and I tell you, it won’t stop hitting you in the face every which way you turn.
(And you know what that means…lots and lots of blog posts!)
Today I was inspired by one of my favorite Mamalode columns, Mama Digs, by Nici Holt Cline from Dig this Chick. She recently wrote about her dog, Alice, and how she has guilt over putting her on the back burner since the birth of her two daughters.
She said, “When I was pregnant…I wondered if I could love (my baby) as much as I love my dog. That seems like a crazy comparison now but I worried about having enough unconditional heart for another creature in my life. When I said this out loud, the frequent response was something like, ‘Oh you just wait. Your dog will take a permanent seat on the back burner the instant your kid arrives.’ The thought made me tense and I just knew my canine bff would never be burning back there.”
She finishes with, “I’ve felt so much guilt about my relationship with Alice. Writing this is like a giant exhale, a confession. I first admitted my guilt and to my good friend, Caroline, who is an inspiring animal lover and mom. And she smiled and told me I am so close. That, in no time it will all be better than ever because my kids will deepen their interaction with and love of Alice and that, at that same time, I’ll have more time and energy to give her. She told me dogs know love.

So Alice may be peripheral at the moment but she’s steady in my sights. And my devoted dog knows nothing but uninhibited love. There’s stuff cooking on all four burners, Alice, but I see you back there and I am coming.”

As I read this, the tears came alongside the guilt I feel for putting Henry on the back burner ever since AJH’s birth. I thought the best way to handle this would be to write him a letter (yes, a letter). Writing dialogue (through a letter or any other way you see fit) is actually a very therapeutic journaling technique that I used after our first dog, Shiner, passed away. I even wrote a letter back to myself from Shiner (yes, that’s where it gets crazy), but it was actually very good for me. I felt some closure after hearing his response, even if it did come from my sub-conscious.

(Maybe I’ll get brave and post those if you all promise not to judge me for being crazy- writing-letters-to-her-dog lady.)

But for now, it is Henry’s turn. I owe him one.
Dear Henry,
I miss you. I love you. I want to be your mom again. Your “real mom,” not someone that shufles past and pushes you away when you try to lick kiss me. Since the baby came, I have ignored you, as hard as it is to admit. I have pushed you aside because once again I have felt “overwhelmed” and overcome by life.

At first it really did feel like my heart couldn’t fit you both. I know that is not what a mother is supposed to say, but I think it was more like I was afraid to let it fit. Don’t get me wrong, I have never stopped loving you, but I have been avoiding you, numbing myself to you, because I feel like I can only concentrate (or love) one thing at a time, though I know that isn’t fair. I let myself love my baby, while still loving my husband, my family, my friends…so why can’t I do the same for you?

(I think I might know why. I ‘m afraid I will fail. I will fail at loving you, so instead I just push you aside, ignore you, make myself numb to you, just so I don’t have to feel the feeling of failing to love you. If I pretend you’re not there, then I won’t feel sad when I neglect to show you the attention you deserve. I think I might do that with a lot of things in my life…)

Some days the only two words I muster up for you are “Hey, buddy” as I’m leaving in the morning or coming home in the evening.

But still you sit, patiently, waiting for me to really show my love for you again. You are such a good boy.

Sometimes when I feel guilty I give you a bone or a treat and hope you feel the love.

(Don’t I know by now that the ones we love don’t want toys, or treats, or things? They want us. Plain and simple.)

But no matter how much I ignore you, you still come back. You never cease to love me. You will be there with a tail thump, or a wet kiss, or a paw whenever I need you.

And you have no idea how comforting that is.

I promise to make a better effort to show you my love, like I used to.

I want to be more conscious of all the things worth loving in my life.

Sometimes I feel like I can’t find the greatest balance between motherhood, marriage, working and a social life, but if I think of it differently, maybe I can.

Instead of trying to balance being a mom, a wife, a teacher, and a friend…

…I am trying to balance LOVE.

Plain and simple.

And I should never keep myself from loving again for fear of failing.

I know my heart can handle it.

Thank you, Henry, for reminding me that yes, I can let myself love you.

And just like my family, my baby, my husband, my God–even if I mess up, you will still be there.

You are worth loving.

Mom

(stay tuned for a reply)

My Praise Song in November

I wrote this poem a few Thanksgivings ago after reading “Praise Song” by Barbara Crooker.

“…praise our crazy/fallen world; it’s all we have, and it’s never enough.”

-Barbara Crooker
Praise the husband who is my home

Who says I’m amazing, when I think I’m awful
Who is my best friend, my sanity, my safe haven
Who is meant to complete me

He is enough

Praise the sister whose compassionate heart longs to help someone, despite her own pain
Who makes me want more
Whose innocence burns into us
Whose soul is magnetic

She is enough

Praise the brother whose presence carries us unknowingly
Who calms the thunder around him
Who is quiet yet reverent
Whose blood is my blood

He is enough

Praise the little girl who uncovered beauty and hope in our lives
Who amazes us with her youth, her grace
Whose pureness overflows and ties a knot in our hearts
Who has wings that we do not see

She is enough

Praise the father who has offered everything to be our backbone
Who gives us his word when he can’t give us the world
Who protects his family, encircling them with his heavy hold
Whose childlike spirit can’t be hidden by rough hands or tired eyes

He is enough

Praise the mother who calls her children “her one and only masterpiece”
Who bears my burden
Whose talent will be known
Whose strength is still needed

She is enough

Praise the moment that we realize
This is all that we have and
It is all enough.


Family History

This is a true story written in March of 2003 about my great-great grandfather, David Crockett Lockhart (1842-1929), who was quite some man. I heard this story at our family reunion back in 2003 and wanted to expand on it. His wife was Amanda Tennessee (my mamaw, Tennessee Jo’s grandmother) and she was about thirty years younger than him. I’m sure she was an amazing lady.

“God made man because He loves stories.”
-Elie Wiesel
That day she was so tired she couldn’t untie her own apron strings. Her matted blond hair stuck to the sides of her face and hung down her back in a loose bun. It hadn’t been washed in weeks and if he saw her now he probably wouldn’t recognize her. It was the dead of winter, with no running water, and the kids were starting to smell like it. Her dress was worn so thin she could see her elbows through the threadbare cotton when she raised her arms. It was time for supper, but she had no bread, no butter, greens or even potatoes left. They would be hungry soon, but as she slumped down into the peeling, white chair with no cushion, she was broken, lost and helpless. She had spent her last two dollars on Satchie’s medicine, and there was no telling when more would come. Taylor and Trimble had a fever and if the others got sick she would have to find some help. Every night for two months now, after all the work was done, she sat in that same place, felt as if she’d never get up and wondered, “How can I make something from nothing?” And every night she reached back into the deepest corners of her mind, back to what her momma used to teach her as a little girl, and thought of a way to make it better. But not tonight; tonight her thoughts, her eyes were somewhere else.

She remembered the last time he left. It was months ago, when things weren’t so bad. He said he’d be back soon enough, like he always did, but this time with more money and in time for Christmas. She had been raising his three kids from the wife before, and seven more for the past ten years, and somehow, someway, he always made it home just when things were starting to run out, just when she needed his arms, his touch the most. This time, things had been run out for weeks, she was worn down, and so worried she couldn’t sleep. She wondered if she’d ever see him again.

Her daddy, King, warned her about his kind, but when they were married he had owned half the land in Dickenson County, and most people thought of David Crockett Lockhart as some sort of god. Since then he had traded off most of the land, once for a hunting rifle and a dog, and she loved him for his ways. He had fathered babies all through their parts over the years and would try to take care of them the best he could, dropping money here and there whenever he was around. Some people thought he really was some sort of Davy Crockett, on his way to rescue them all from that little town, or whatever they needed to be rescued from. He always had mysterious ways, and at that particular moment, with her eyes somewhere far off, she remembered the last thing he said to her.

“If things ever get tough, so tough that you don’t think you’ll be able to make it another second, just turn to God.”

And so, that night she moved from her peeling white chair and got her bible from the top shelf of the kitchen cabinet. She gathered up the kids around her skirt, and read the verses she had read as a child. Just as she was about to break down and cry—for her babies, her hunger, her sadness, her life—she turned the page and saw a hundred dollar bill fall to the ground.

Learning to Fly

Written April 19, 2000
“Now he knew why he loved her so. Without ever leaving the ground, she could fly.”
–Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon

My whole life I wanted to fly and like most children, I just expected that I naturally could. After jumping off my father’s brown, corduroy reclining chair and landing on my arm hard enough that it could have been broken, I was utterly shocked and disappointed in myself. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I manipulate my body into that smooth flight? What was it about my inelegance that would not just lift off? Were my arms too short, my motions too awkward, my feet not pumping hard enough? No matter how hard I tried, I began to believe I would never fly.

Therefore, that was all I wanted from that day on. If I could not fly through the air, I would fly in other ways. I would declare my independence and fly as far as I could from my parents. I sat and dreamed of all the exotic places I could go, leafing through books of Italian chapels trying to decide under which gorgeous sculpture I would be married. I planned every possible exit out of my small, Virginia town and once I made it to college I tried as hard as I could to pretend I was not some girl from some dead-end backwards place. I was not some girl who could not fly.

Soon I realized I that I could no longer run from who I was. Trying to do so was making me miserable. Instead of running from my past, I started learning about where I came from and realized I was not bred from such a long line of fighters for nothing. I came to be proud. I came to love myself, and those who made me. I learned that anyone can escape their past, or declare their independence; however, not anyone can readily accept who they are, unashamed of the choices they have made.

Recently I wrote to my mother, needing advice. I asked what made her happy, what made her love, or not love her life. Someone had questioned why on earth I would ever want to be a teacher because in most places their salary was less than a garbage man. Once again, I felt that I would never be successful, never make my family proud, never fly. I asked her if I should give up my dream of teaching to pursue something that would give me more accomplishments and if she had any regrets for having so many children so young. I expected her to sound like a typical mother who wanted her daughter to be well taken care of; to tell me not to have children at all, to marry rich and get a job that paid better than a garbage man.

Instead, she told me to follow my heart, first.

In her own, funny way, she wrote, “Screw money. It don’t mean shit if your heart ain’t happy.” However, it was the last lines she borrowed from The Beatles that meant the most:

“Blackbird singing in the dead of night take these sunken eyes and learn to see. You were only waiting for this moment to be free. Blackbird, fly…”

She told me to take what I had, what I loved, what I wanted from life, and use it.

She told me that I could fly, even if I never left the ground.

Writing for Survival

February 2003, 2nd semester, senior year of college

“Every piece of writing contains this tacit message: ‘I wrote this because it’s important; I want you to read it; I’ll stand by it. ‘”

–Matthew Grieder

Two summers ago, while sitting at my boring, nine-to-five office job, flipping through a Reader’s Digest, and waiting for the phone to ring, I had an epiphany. I had already exhausted the entire office stock of Entertainment Weekly and People, and while trying to make time pass faster, I had moved on to something more intellectual. It was while reading a study on how journal writing can improve one’s psychological well being that I realized exactly what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

I had kept a journal before, thanks to Dr. Heller, and I had felt the magical powers that were stored within those pages, but I had never truly realized how writing could actually “heal” someone—maybe because I had never really opened myself up for healing, or even realized the “wounds” I had been carrying. But it was at that very moment, while sitting at my mundane, little desk, waiting, waiting, waiting for something to happen, that I realized the power of the word, and that I couldn’t live with myself until I began to pass it on.

The “epiphany” led me to do an internship at the Maternal and Infant Education Center in Roanoke, which is a school for teenage girls to attend after becoming pregnant. At that school I met forty-six young women from ages 12-20 with forty-six different lives to live, stories to tell, burdens to bear, and scars to heal. Like me, very few of those girls had opened up their wounds, ripped off the band-aid or allowed themselves to heal. Yet the girls walked in the classroom each morning, bag of Hardees in hand, with a glazed, hurt look in their eyes, and I knew somewhere down the line they had been broken. The problem was nobody had ever bothered to put them back together, not even themselves.

I soon realized that as a twenty-one year old college student, I wasn’t going to be anyone’s hero. I didn’t have all the answers, or have the power to heal each one of those forty-six girls. What I did have was the power to teach them how to become their own hero—and that they are the only person that can change the direction of their life, face their fears, and heal their wounds.

A lot of people walk through life thinking they have no wounds, no baggage, no scars showing on the outside, but yet, they also walk through life complaining, unfulfilled, and miserable on the inside. It is like they are trapped from the inside out. We all know people that constantly grumble about how lonely, incomplete, and unhappy they are—yet it is always someone else’s fault. I wish I could tell them to use writing as an outlet, to let themselves heal, but in their eyes, they have no wounds, I can only wonder what are all of the things they carry, if not wounds, and how they can ever let them go if they don’t become open to them.

The truth is, we cannot become the person we are meant to be until we let go of our baggage, our pain, our fears, and begin to put our lives back together piece by piece. What I learned from my tiny epiphany on that boring summer day, and from those forty-six girls, was that we all want to be heroes. We all want to help someone, and most of all, to help ourselves. The amazing thing is that we can do it so easily, by writing, by sharing; not just our darkest fears, but those perfect moments in life when everything makes sense and we become complete.

Why does writing have the power to change our lives, to make us fall in love, make us angry, or make us different people? Maybe it is the sturdiness of the pen in our hand that gives us the purpose. Maybe it is the fluent feeling of the keys under our fingers that gives us the freedom. Maybe it is just the act of setting our feelings in stone that makes writing so important, so therapeutic, so heroic.
“Write to make the great escape. To save yourself. “ (G. Lynn Nelson, Writing and Being)

Going Home

Originally written in January 1999

“I will sail back home again
Back to where my heart will always be

And like a bird that’s on the wing and is flying free
He can hear the song of home endlessly.”
-Van Morrison, “Song of Home”


The first time I heard Van Morrison was when my mother sang “Brown-Eyed Girl,” while trying to put me to sleep as a baby. The only thing that ever made me stop crying was a long drive, and that song playing in the background, with her comforting voice in time with his Irish accent, unaware of the melodies she made as she drove. Of course I cannot remember that far back, but to this day that song still puts me at ease, as I drive unfamiliar streets in my own car and wonder how I got so far from home.

When first arriving at Roanoke College, hundreds of miles away from my own small, Virginia town, I thought I would never feel at home again. I missed sitting outside on my back porch, journal in hand, watching the old barn that never changed, framing the sunset each night. I sang to the Tupelo Honey album, playing on a miniature Fisher Price record player, stretched outside as far as the orange extension cord would reach, while I wrote every evening. I believed “the music made me feel so free, made me feel like me,” just as Van sang. With each verse came the inspiration to fill every last blank page of my journal, if not with the poetry of lost loves, or newfound adventures, at least with the lyrics to the songs I had memorized. The words meant something different each time I heard them, but they always told the same story: no matter what happens along the way, you would always find yourself back home in the end.

In the beginning of my freshman year, while feeling homesick and alone, the only thing that seemed to put me at ease were my nighttime drives through the streets of Salem. I drove as if I owned them, sometimes alone, sometimes with a close friend, and always ended up in the same place, on the same hill, within the same valley, listening to the same three songs. I always started with “Brown-Eyed Girl” as I was making the loop around the parking lot because the upbeat tempo and lyrics made it a “driving song.” As I stopped the car, in the same spot as all the times before, “Sweet Thing” would soon be playing, and I would be singing until my voice become hoarse once again. I sang, my voice in time with his, as “I raised my hand up into the nighttime sky,” finally realizing why I was here, not only in this car, or at this college, but on this earth, alive. I saw how I fit into the roundness of things as if I were one of the little leaves that made up one of the thousands of trees on the mountains above me.

Although it took a little searching, and some aimless driving, I had found my home once again, in these small moments in my car, singing my favorite songs into the crisp Salem air. As in any Van Morrison song, the lesson is always the same—no matter how many wrong places you turn, how many words you may forget or sing off key, the important thing is that the roads that lead you home will always be there, if only hiding in the background of a song.

Guest Posts

One of Those Days

My Writing

Writing for Survival
I Believe…
Spring Cleaning
Patience
Going Home
Learning to Fly
Family History
My Praise Song in November

Taking Root

This is the poem I wrote and read at Katie Harmon and Joe Crabtree’s wedding on 9/19/09.
Taking Root
Beginnings were planted
unsure if they would thrive in their chosen spots.
An eternity was spent
wondering how they would grow
what colors would adorn them
what blossoms would appear
what pair they would eventually complete.
And with little patience and lots or prayer
they took root.
Through heavy winds and pouring rains
the roots grew stronger
attaching themselves deeper into the ground
finding comfort in their home.
Soon enough, their seedlings became
something beautiful and unexpected.
And today
they have reached their highest peak.
Branches outstretched to the sky
their roots steadied them and
pushed them upward from where they began.
Mingling leaves became
entangled rots
forming one solid tree
a unified lifeline
thriving together
never to be broken.
Though leaves may fall
crumble or die
they will be gathered again
used for joy.
They will return fuller
in verdant shades of green
and bring new life
lush with love.
Taking comfort in their old roots
they now take root together–
and their roots will run deep.