I am still a mommy 3

I am sad.
There is no other way to put it.
It has been way too long since I have sat down and put real words on paper and now they’re overflowing …and it could get ugly.
I miss my daughter.
I don’t feel like a mother.
I feel like a lady who picks up my daughter in the afternoon…and that’s about it.
The only word to describe it is unnatural.
(I know I am going to the extreme… but I am feeling quite extreme at the moment).
Tonight was particularly bad. I picked her up from daycare only to drop her off again with her grandparents so I could head to the store and get my hair trimmed while daddy was coaching. I know she is in the best hands but seeing her fifteen minutes out of twenty-four hours tugs harder at my already breaking heart.
By the time we got home and changed clothes she was falling asleep.
I almost instinctively put her directly in her crib as she nodded off because that’s what we’re supposed to do, right? “Put them down as soon as they show the first sign of tiredness.” Don’t let them fall asleep in your arms, God forbid, rock them.”
But instead, I let my motherly instincts kick in.
I turned off all the lights, put on the I-pod and headed to the rocker.
My tight hold begged her to give me a sign…
…tell me that you know I am your mommy.
Tell me that I am not just some lady that picks you up from daycare and puts you in your crib.
Tell me, “Yes, I need you, mommy.”
And she did.
And I cried.
We touched faces and our bellies puffed in and out with each breath.
We listened to Bob Marley and she sang along in her own little coo as she drifted off.
And I realized that even if it is only for a few minutes a day, we are bonding.
I am her mommy.
And she knows it. 
 The view from my chest.

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3 thoughts on “I am still a mommy

  • Mel

    Oh man, this post made me cry. I'm a SAHM mom but sometimes I feel so caught up in the cleaning, orgnaizing, laundry, showering, etc. that I miss out on so much. At night when she climbs out of my arms and reaches for her bed, but I just want to hold her, it's so hard. We mama's are so hard on ourselves but, like your post today said, we are doing the best things for our little ones. Working, or caring for the home so it's clean and safe, or even simply taking care of ourselves a little so we are happy and healthy…..it's all important in it's own way.

  • Rachael Hyler

    Priscilla- I love this post! It came at a perfect time for me to read because I am about to go through what you described. I am returning to work in a few weeks after having my boys and all of my fears are what you described. It is nice to know that someone else is going through it. I was just talking to a good friend of mine about my anxiety of going back to work/leaving my boys, and she said that "there's a reason why women used to not work, and why some women are housewives…" That is so true! Hang in there, I know your beautiful little girl knows you no matter what….even if she only gets to see you for 15 minutes, she can feel your love. PS- I love that she coos to Bob Marley 🙂

  • Brandi

    At our date night we can talk so much more about this. I struggle every day, but now with two it is harder because I often struggle with the feeling of not giving them both enough! That was the one thing when I got pregnant with Blake that I worried the most about was how will I love another one as much as I love the first?? But you do!! It takes a strong woman to go to work and also make sure that you take care of all the important things in your life, husband, kids, house, laundry etc. It takes alot of mental preparation for me! It makes it easier for me a little bit b/c my boys stay with my mom.

    More talk to come!!