Last night I wrote an angsty, overly dramatic, negative post, hit “publish” and then fell asleep.
About two hours later I woke up, re-read it, and then (thought I) hit “delete.”
Apparently in my midnight stupor I didn’t.
It was still there this morning. Darn.
It has since been removed.
While I know it is REAL and HONEST, I’m embarrassed by my overly emotional self.
I don’t want nor deserve pity.
But at times I guess we all just need a little rant.
Maybe I’ll repost it, maybe I won’t.
I want my writing to be REAL and HONEST and not some BS about how easy and wonderful life is all the time.
But at the same time there is a line of annoyingness that I don’t want to cross.
You know the irritating Facebook friend that is constantly posting super-ambiguous, and slightly depressing status updates, begging for people to ask her what’s wrong and make her feel all better?
I don’t want to be that girl.
But I want to be real and honest because that is what helps me find that authentic self I am searching for. It helps me put a finger on what gets me to the point of posting a really overly-dramatic blog about how overwhelmed I am with life.
But sometimes it helps to take a step back. Rather than posting to the whole world (or my 74 followers) I can just send an email to the one friend that understands what it’s like to hop on that crazy train every once in a while. Or I could write in my journal. And feel better.
This morning the journal topic for my students was “Fists into Flowers” and I decided I better participate. If you ever feel like you have a balled up fist inside of your stomach, this is a good activity for you to try.Here is what I wrote:
I live with a clenched fist in my stomach. I never knew it was there until I was told to stop and breathe with my belly. It was nearly impossible. My belly was wrapped in a tight ball–maybe from years of trying to “suck it in” or keep my abs tight. This fist drifts up to my chest and tightens all the way into my shoulders. They ache and by the end of the day go numb and tingle in pain just from lifting a fork.
How can I unclench this fist?
Go inside my clenched belly fist
you will find…
How can I learn to let go of this fist full of negative things?
Go inside my buddha belly
you will find…
I want my buddha belly.
The above print is of “Laughing Buddha”, also known as the Chinese Zen Buddhist Monk Hotei and Lord Maitraya (the future Buddha). The message from “Laughing Buddha” (Power of Joy) is….”To find your desired outcome, follow the path of joy…we can fulfill our purpose, help ourselves and others, and heal through the power of joy.”