Tag Archives : ELE

Choose Love 5

I’ve been pretty anxious this week.
For people who struggle with general, everyday anxiety, you know you don’t need a reason to be anxious…you just are.
All week I’ve been repeating my own little form of therapeutic self-talk, without really knowing or remembering what it is that was bothering me:
“Bad things happen every day. But it doesn’t mean they will happen to you, or those you love. Tragic, horrible, heartbreaking things happen all the time and there is nothing you can do about it. Stop worrying.”
These words haunt me in light of what happened today on the Virginia Tech campus. Another undeserved tragedy. Another day plagued with fear. Another unfair, horrible, heartbreaking scene.
And as I sit down to write, to really write for the first time in what feels like forever, the past ten months come to a head and I find the source of my anxiety this week.
My body remembers. My heart remembers. 
And the tears come.
Our baby #2 was due to be born today.
And all at once it fills me with sadness and love and loss and awe.
These kinds of things just don’t make sense. 
And all we can do is pray. When fear, anxiety, tragedy, loss, sadness and heartbreak take over, all we can do is pray. Pray for the people going through bad times. Pray to find peace in the situation. Pray for the ability to live in the moment and find beauty. Pray for peace of mind.
As I find peace in my own loss, I pray for all those affected by the events today at Virginia Teach and once again find solace in the words of Marianne Williamson.
“Every situation we find ourselves in is an opportunity, 
perfectly planned by the Holy Spirit, to teach love instead of fear.”
Choose love.
I am trying my hardest.
And I am praying for miracles. 
Sunset tonight on the VT campus, taken by our cousin Trey, a current senior at VT

Everybody Like Everybody 3

This is why I love this girl
…because she sends me funny stuff like that with absolutely no explanation.
I have no idea where it is from, or who the guy is, but he reminds me of either a young Elton John, the kid who played Augusten Burroughs in Running With Scissors (the movie) OR Charlie from Lost (whom I ADORE).
Maybe she’ll comment tomorrow and let us know the details.
Until then, I’m just enjoying the reminder to E.L.E!
PS–Check out my new venture and let me know if you’re interested!

What do we know now? Part II 1

I recently wrote a post about what I would tell my thirteen year-old-self if I could go back in time. As a connection to that, I’d like to share an excerpt from one of my favorite bloggers, Nici Holt Cline’s post “Let’s Hike” on Mamalode. 

“…A little piece of that insecure 13 year-old still exists. Sometimes she’s tucked away in my heart, a memory of learning confidence and understanding sadness. And sometimes she’s in my underbelly, unprotected. Right now, I am more confident and secure than I have ever been. I live my life how I want to live it, surround myself with people I want to be with. I care less and less how strangers and acquaintances interpret my choices. But, in all honesty, some cool comments and raised eyebrows still sting right in that familiar spot. I still want people to like me. 

I get so bored and annoyed with myself. When will I REALLY not care? When will I REALLY trust myself? Because, it’s inevitable that I will write about something that someone judges and it’s inevitable that a woman at a restaurant will shoot daggers out of her eyes when I leave my children unattended to grab a fork. It’s also inevitable that the insecurity will fade and I will go on a walk with my family or laugh with girlfriends over wine. All that mud will settle to the bottom of my pool and I will be left with clear, energizing water and a crisp understanding of love and purpose and good. 

I’ve heard people talk about the craziness of life like a hamster on a wheel. I think it’s more like a hike. There are rocky sections, smooth paths and false summits. Holy hell is it tiring and wow is it rewarding. I keep thinking about how we’re all on a hike. Some are on a steep bitch of a switch back while others rest on a rock and each a peach. We take turns in those positions, each of us challenged by different things, each of us experiencing triumphs and failures. We all have vulnerabilities and insecurities. There is a point, in each of us, when we want to give up, turn around, sit down and cry. There is a time when each of us are happily skipping, hydrated and rested. There are some who, when doing well, step over a depleted mama and carry on. There are some who, when another is doing well, give a sharp shove hoping she’ll fall. And, of course, there are many who offer a hand, a hug, an ear no matter their own strength or weakness. It’s up to me to surround myself by and focus on the kind, unjudging people and let the others come and go. 

I am trying like hell to raise good people, demonstrate kind behavior, balance letting go and holding tight. And all that while I am caring for myself, my partner, my friends, my interests, my career. It’s a lot. Sometimes it is too much. It’s in the moments I Want To Throw In The Towel, when the underbelly is soft and malleable, that’s when I am 13 and walking home from school with salty-stained cheeks.

The difference, of course, is that I am 32 and I don’t feel like I have to wipe the tears away and head to my room so nobody knows my pain. Now I admit the sting, self-reflect, embrace the discomfort and roll around in my sensitive brain and honest conversations with good friends. And I’ll tell you, when someone steps over me when I’m down or pushes me when I’m thriving? It hurts. Sometimes my process is messy and I am sure my husband wishes I could let it go in a more streamlined manner. I am getting there.I hear 40 is good for letting other’s opinions roll off your confident back…but, first, I embrace this journey. 

Just like middle schoolers hoping for an invite to a friend’s house, mamas are hoping for an I am picking up what you are putting down, sister. We’re in it together.

Let’s hike. The view is much better when shared.”
Possible Journal Topics:
1. What part of your thirteen year-old self still exists? In what moments does he/she ever make an appearance in your life today? 
2. What are some of your vulnerabilities and insecurities? Do you see similarities with those of your thirteen year-old self? What are your coping mechanisms “in the moments I Want To Throw In The Towel, when the underbelly is soft and malleable”?
3. How do you currently envision your life–like a hamster wheel or like a hike? How would you like to envision it?
4. How can you “offer a hand, a hug, an ear no matter their own strength or weakness” to those around you rather than “step over a depleted mama and carry on” or “give a sharp shove hoping she’ll fall”?

Please share your experiences and writing with me! (you can do it anonymously through the comment box).